My daughter was always a great sleeper, until a couple of years ago, around the age of 5, I think. Out of the blue she suddenly became extremely anxious at bedtime. We had NO IDEA what was happening, why it was happening or what to do about it. So we did what probably all parents do - we did what she wanted.
We went up when she called, we stayed when she asked, we exhausted ourselves responding to each and every call. I remember a relative saying "just stop answering her" and responding
"I CAN’T - she's an anxious child."
Because the thought of her lying up there all alone, feeling anxious, felt absolutely unbearable to me. It was unfathomable that I would leave her to it.
But here’s the truth of what happened: it got worse…
She needed more, and more, and more, from us.
Until the point where each bedtime was something we would dread, each bedtime would take hours, and this seemed to just become what we had to endure.
Until I learned about SPACE - Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions and applied this.
And now “I can’t - she’s an anxious child” has become “I HAVE TO - she’s an anxious child.”
Because what we were doing - going up repeatedly - was fuelling her anxiety. Our actions were confirming that her anxiety was correct, that she couldn’t do it, that she needed us.
So we switched from helping her temporarily feel better each night, to actually getting better. Was it easy? No. Did it work? Absolutely!
My daughter has
Stopped weeping, sometimes for hours, every bedtime
Stopped needing white noise and a particular blanket to feel safe
Stopped calling out for us over and over again every night
Stopped feeling "hot" (presumably this was actually anxiety)
Started enjoying bedtime
Started sleeping under a duvet again (she used to associate feeling hot with getting sick - something she used to feel anxious about)
Started doing sleepovers without us!
And we have got our daughter back - and our evenings back!
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